A really, really, really tough word, at times.
I have been doing my best, here lately, to accept the things I can do nothing about. It has NOT been easy. Yet, it has been worth it. Doesn’t always FEEL that way, though.
It is a very good thing that I make the choice, EVERY day, to walk by FAITH. NOT my feelings. NOT by how I think things should have gone, should go, need to go.
Things won’t always go MY way. In fact, things, here lately, have appeared to be going in the opposite direction! Ack!
I have lost some things, lost my mind a bit, about this situation and that. I have lost some ground, at work. Lost a family member, recently. I have lost more hair, gained more weight…*sigh*….
I have spent the week, in my undies, in the dark, in tears.
Why? Because, well, because life has been so blasted HHHHHHHHHHHAAAARRRDDDDDDDD these past few weeks. Normally, I have been able to take the ‘high road’. These past few weeks….whew….have wanted to tell the ‘high road’ to go ahead and kick some rocks!
I wanted to be angry. Had not allowed myself to BE angry. The other night, I ALLOWED myself to be angry. Allowed myself to be….BE…sad. I had a good cry. A great cry, in fact. I cried about many things.
I cried that I was STILL:
Missing, my mom.
Missing, my brother.
I was just feeling so damned ALONE, lately. Not, lonely. Just…
So, alone, in the dark, in my undies, I had a good cry. Cried out, to God, to Life, to the universe, to the void. To any and all who would listen.
Cried and wanted.
Wanted and cried.
What did I want?
I wanted to be:
Yea, I NEEDED to be needed, know what I mean?
I emailed a friend, and said all I have ever really wanted was to be CHOSEN. To be chosen so I could be love and I could love. Someone. Many someones. I felt sad. Feeling as though I have never really been chosen. Not in the manner I THOUGHT I should be, thought I WOULD be.
Yet, had I ALLOWED folk in? Enough to get to know me enough to choose me? Or, did I only show the parts I thought would be acceptable and therefore ACCEPTED?
IF I were to be, completely honest, I would admit that I had done more ‘work’ to earn love, favor, respect, care, etcetera. I gave all of that, hoping the ME that I was, the ‘other’ parts of ME that were not so shiny/beautiful/lovely would be, well, accepted, along with the hard work, the care, I had given.
Was that fair? To, others? Was that fair, to ME? Probably not. What’s more, had I not been chosen? Many times? Yet, had I possibly, backed away, ran away, dashed away? In, fear. The fear of not being ‘enough on my own?
Acceptance…*sigh*. I can accept the fact, now, that I had hid my heart, then. And, now, I am paying for that hiding, from way back when, back then.
Knowing this, I can be patient, as I accept that change does NOT happen overnight. Friendships take time, to build, to mend, to breathe, to grow. Relationships take time, to find another, to learn another, to receive another, to grow another.
Knowing this, I accept this time alone. I can use my alone, now, to prepare for not being alone, soon, later, whenever.
Knowing this, I can forgive the ME I was then. I can tell that ME I had done the best I could do, at that time. Yet, I am a different ME, now. Rather, I am the ME Life and God and circumstances and time and people and places and….and…and are helping to build ME to be.
I can accept this.
I DO accept this.
The word, now, feels triumphant. Now. Before, the word, acceptance, seemed like, FELT like a ‘victim’ word. Felt like surrender. Surrender, felt like such a cowardly place/position to be in.
I have learned, however, surrender is one of THE most powerful words, one of the most powerful positions, one could find oneself. ONLY someone truly strong can surrender. You see, it takes letting go of fear, letting go of pride, letting go of ALL we hold dear, in order to truly surrender ourselves, our positions, our this and our thats.
In order to TRULY love, as love demands, we have to give up OUR desires and replace them with the desire of the heart we have given our love to. The bible says this about love:
I Corinthians 13: 1-7: Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
When we love, we have to accept, ah, there that word goes again, we may not be loved, in return. Love accepts this fact and continues to love. In full surrender.
In knowing this, I can accept loving ME, now, fully and completely and honestly. I can accept that God loves me, fully and completely and honestly. I can accept that others may or may not love me, fully and completely and honestly.
I can live with this knowledge. I accept it. I CHOOSE to receive whatever may come, my way.
Love? Here I am. Something else? Depends on what the ‘something else’ is….hahahahahahahaha!!
In the meantime, I am living, in the NOW, in the present. I accept that I have not always done my best. Yet, I tried. The outcome, now, is I am alone, now. Will that be forever? Who knows. I enjoy being alone, most days. I get a huge kick out of me. I get a kick out of acting a fool, in my undies.
What’s more, I have NEVER been alone. God has ALWAYS been close by. Waiting. Loving, me. Rooting, for me. Waiting for me to see, learn and KNOW that He has been close by, this whole time.
Now, right now, I kick it, with Him, whilst waiting for another, for others. Will they come? Who knows? God does and He ain’t telling. 🙂
Ah, such, a beautiful word! Such, a freeing word. Such a giving word.
I, accept ME. I, accept the uniqueness, of life. Of MY life. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea but God and Life sure enjoy my flavor! Knowing this, I am all good. The rest of the world, well, yall missing out. I am some good people.
Life is short, beloveds. Time to accept the facts:
You, be loved.
You, are NOT alone.
You, are awesome.
So, get on out there and BE.
Life is short. We only get one shot at it. Get on out there and live. Broken pieces and all. With ALL that you have. Give and it SHALL be given back to you.
In the meantime, you got you some me. How great is that??!
loving me some you,