I admit it. I have been upset, ALL day.
Missing mom. Exhausted from doing a new job I don’t know how to do.
On top of all this, I have to live and not survive. Can’t hide behind distraction. Can’t keep my dammed feelings in a drawer where only God and Life can see.
Am forced to live, fully, and, dammit, exposed living leaves one…well, fresh hell…exposed.
Life, folks, situations, the enemy, hell, all comers, it appears, get to take pot shots at our hearts.
They get to do as they please with it. And, what’s worse, we have to stand, to allow, to be open, to be receptive.
I would love to tell you how I graciously and spiritually stood. How I fought, valiantly, and won.
Instead, I made the super dumb choice(don’t judge me, yall) to order a pizza to go with the lone hold out wine cooler that had been guarding the bacon bits in the fridge so religiously for the past few months(from my last dammit I am tired mini pity party rant).
Que sad music, Tuscany Chicken Alfredo Pasta, breadsticks, large pizza, last hold out black cherry wine cooler, and me, star of this show, fixing to have at it and feel sorry for me missing mom so.
One breadstick in, I decided to call my twin and vent my heart ache and mad with her. I yelled a bit. Okay, yelled. A lot. Loudly. Yelled, at God and Life, for all I was worth.
Had a second bread stick.
Started a third. Cried a bit. Yelled a bit more.
Realized, God and Life, were right there, WITH me, as I yelled, cried, ate a bit. Realizing I was NOT alone, I changed my mini pity party into a praise one. Told sis ‘I am switching out this wine cooler for a cup of coffee’. Put the cooler away, packed away the pizza to be eaten, in moderation. Had enough pasta, for a meal, not a binge session, and talked with sis and God and Life for a while.
We had quite the conversation, enjoyed each other’s company.
I REFUSED to go backwards. I absolutely REFUSE to go back to surviving, to go back to hiding and making due.
NO way. NO how. I have come too far, MUCH too far, to give up on me, on my dreams, on my future, on my relationship with God, on my renewed relationships with friends and family, now.
Yes, the ‘in the meantime’, before the realization of dreams come, is painful. Excruciating, at times. Maddening, ALL the time.
Yet, I CHOOSE to keep standing. I CHOOSE to trust God and Life and the process. I CHOOSE to keep my feelings, my heart, out there, exposed, so it can soak up all the love, joy, peace, comfort, freedom meant for it.
Too often, we allow the temporary hurt, discomfort, pain, unfulfillment, silence, (add your own words here), to cause us to give up, give in, walk away, distract ourselves, run away, hide.
Life is much too short for any of that, now, beloveds. We have no idea how many more moments we have.
I’m glad I chose to turn my hurt/anger into a conversation and meal with The King, My Father, God. We had a nice convo. No, He couldn’t bring mom back. No, He didn’t change my circumstances just because I was annoyed, hurting, exhausted, mad, troubled. He understood my mad. Loved me. Still.
I love me, still. Dumb decisions and all. Loved me enough to not hurt myself hiding, binge eating, drinking and any number of dumb things I have done in the past and may have done, tonight.
I have bet on me. On my future. It is a good one. I just have to hold out and to hold on. I must keep on reaching out, caring for folks, ALLOWING folks to care for me.
In short, I must continue to live, exposed, and wait, patiently.
Fresh hell, there goes the patiently waiting bit. I will get it, in a minute.
I don’t dare give up on me. God never will. Life won’t. ONLY way I lose, is if I am a dumbsky and say enough.
No way. No how. Quit can quit it, already, and go kick some rocks! Along with doubt, fear, anger and all their ilk.
I choose me.
I choose love.
I choose joy.
I choose to wait patiently.
I choose to LIVE.
Keep going, beloveds. Do NOT allow ANYTHING to give you the excuse to go backwards. Life is too short.
Choose to keep moving forward, with me. Pack up your pity party, if you are having one. Turn your comfort eating into a meal with The King. He IS there, for you. Life is there, for you.
In the meantime, I pray, rejoice, hope, cry, try.
Do so, with me, beloveds. We have GOT to keep going, in the meantime.
Remember, don’t rush the cook. Let Him prepare the meal, fully.
Whatever you decide, don’t hide: from you. From God. From Life. From those who love and care for you.
waiting patiently with you,