“You need to start writing”.
There she went, AGAIN! My accountability partner, delivering yet another gentle boot to my rear.
Her: You need to start writing.
Me: I AM writing.
Me: You KNOW I have nuero issues which makes writing difficult. Besides, you know I HATE my handwriting. It looks like I should be a doctor or something.
Her: You need to start handwriting. Soon.
Me: Dammit (to myself, of course).
*Cassandra throws a mini tantrum*…..*pout*…..*Cassandra would dearly love to tell her accountability partner, Life, AND God to go kick some rocks already!!!*
Yall too!? What do you mean what’s the big deal about writing, by hand? If I were honest with you, with me, I would have to own the REAL reason I stopped writing, by hand. Years and years ago.
God and Life not playing fair, now. Once They cause us to turn aside, to SEE our burning bush, They are RELENTLESS, in getting us to see, acknowledge and to burn away, EVERY hindrance that gets in our way. EVERY thing that will deter us from LIVING. EVERY focus that keeps us looking down, looking backwards, instead of moving FORWARD, walking STRAIGHT, not crooked….
Okay! Okay! I will stop stalling and fess up…crap….living ain’t always easy, yall…..
I admit it. I have AWFUL handwriting. All scratchy. Near unrecognizable. Looks like something off a heart monitor!
My sisters have beautiful handwriting. I have always admired THEIR handwriting. So fluid. So pretty. Looked like a joy to write.
My handwriting was ALWAYS a struggle. Had to take extra time for folks to understand it. Cursive. Regular. N matter. They BOTH looked the same! HOW printing and cursive can look the same is beyond me.
I loved/love the writing gifts God and Life have given me. Love being able to string words together, in ways that makes sense, makes no sense. I love being able to encourage others, with just a timely word here or there.
Yet, HATED to see those SAME words, coming from such UGLY handwriting! I don’t know why, but I always, secretly that is, thought I was letting my gift down with the awfulness of MY handwriting. The writing gifts I attributed to God. MY handwriting. Well, it was MINE. I was the moron who couldn’t write in pretty, and acceptable, flowing writing ‘for a girl’. Girls were SUPPOSED to have pretty, flowing handwriting.
Girls were also supposed to be, quiet. I was not. I was loud.
Girls were also supposed to be, delicate. I was not. I was strong, athletic, Hercules. Code words for ‘you ain’t girly enough’.
I was so thankful when computers came out. I could type!!! I could hide behind the typed word.
Ah! Hiding. There goes that existing stuff again, eh?
I became very good at hiding behind words. I never thought about it, that way. Thought I was just giving out HIS Encouraging Words. Loved doing so. Loved selecting super pretty font, extra cute stationary. All to showcase HIS Words with. They were beautiful words, to me. Encouraged many a folks with words. Encouraged myself, with those words.
Yet, each time, I dismissed my handwriting, the way God and Life, had birthed me to be, I think I made Them sad. GOD was The One who made me the way He had. ALL of me. Not just the parts I care for. ALL OF THEM makes me….well, they all make me ME.
Even, my handwriting. Especially, my handwriting. When I write, with my hands, my heart comes tumbling out. Always has. I missed that feeling. The feeling of not caring what folks thought of how the words looked, just how they made one feel or see.
I will share what I finally wrote, in my journal, on 5/11/21:
I love writing. Always hated my handwriting. It was never pretty. The words were pretty. The handwriting, me, by extension, never was. Ah! “You have beautiful eyes”. “Write. With your hands”….was right. Dad was right. I am beautiful. My pen never lies. I write. I have nice eyes 🙂
Will admit, writing this, reading this then, made me cry. Rereading those words, makes me want to cry, now.
I AM beautiful. God created me. There is only ONE me. No one has my sense of humor, my way of looking at the world. Nobody will ever think my thoughts, dream my dreams, do the things only I was created to do!
God gave me the handwriting I have, today. KNOWING this. FINALLY accepting this, accepting me, do I find he handwriting beautiful? To be honest? No. The fact God gave it to me I find immensely beautiful.
There are days when I wish I were less passionate. Some days where I honestly wished I didn’t care so dammed much about the whole dammed world. Life would be easier, I used to tell myself, if I didn’t care quite as much or tried quite as hard.
I don’t think this way, anymore. I do wish, at times, that the caring did not hurt as much, was not as tough to carry as caring can be.
Caring makes one vulnerable. Sharing our ‘handwriting’ with the world, makes us super vulnerable. Folks, can, and will dismiss it, dismiss us. Being dismissed hurts. Yet, caring, being willing to be open and vulnerable is precious. You learn soooooooooo many things, about yourself, when you give yourself away to others.
Folks can either love you back or think your efforts not enough, for them.
Does this make you any less beautiful, wonderful, cherished? No.
Time for us all to show our ‘handwriting’ to this world. This world NEEDS what we have. This world is desperate for my unique handwriting, for your special handwriting.
We are HIS Handwriting. We are His Hands. We are His Shoulders. We are His Arms. Some folks will never know love save what we show to them. Don’t hold back your ‘handwriting’ thinking your handwriting is ugly.
We were made how we were made for a reason. You were not meant to look like, act like, be like anyone else. Keep on being you. Keep on doing you. Keep on writing. You don’t have to be on ‘fancy paper with fancy fonts’. Just keep ‘writing’ and let God and Life do the rest.
His and yours,