The work day ended really rough. Wouldn’t you know I would get a call literally FIVE minutes before shift ended.
I had been praying, for hours, for the shift to end. Needed to take some medication, lick the days wounds, lay down, and, as dad used to say ‘try it again, tomorrow’.
My brain was foggy with fever, fatigue and trying to learn things that just made no sense! Dammit! 🤬😰🤢
So, of COURSE, the phone rings, FIVE MINUTES FROM FREEDOM! DAMMIT!!
Cue music. Cue up colossal I have absolutely NO idea last issue.
Dammit, I don’t feel well!
Dammit, I don’t know what I am doing!
Dammit, God WHY did you snatch my job like that?! I shouldn’t be struggling like this!
Whew, thank goodness you showed up for me, Yikes! Thanks for helping me to realize it’s just one issue. Not 50. Thanks for helping me to realize it’s a mistake that can be fixed. Short of that, I have learned what NOT to do next time.
I can remember when I started my job almost 11 years ago. My dad had passed away, earlier in the year. I had just lost my job 29 days before that and had struggled to find another job.
I went from making decent money to 75 percent less of that, with unemployment.
Yea, tell me about it, fellas!
Being without a job, finding it hard to find another, getting the phone call dad had passed…*sigh*…just a truly hard and awful time.
Between dad’s passing, and finding a job, I had to make the absolutely AWFUL/HARD soul-crushing decision to keep looking for a job, taking care of weekly things, in order to keep my unemployment and missing dad’s service.
I had talked to mom. She understood. Life was hard. Money, non existent. Told myself to put on my big girl panties, like dad taught us, and to keep it moving. I kept it moving. Just barely. Just barely.
By the time I had found my job, well, I had done such a terrific job of kicking my own ass:
For being an awful daughter: What daughter chooses looking for work over laying her dad to rest? Who DOES THAT, CASSANDRA??!
For not find a job faster: How HARD can it be to find a job, already? Don’t you know the bills are piling up, the savings are almost gone and it is cold outside!(we had record freezing temps forever).
For being a horrible encourager/Christian: After I lost my job, after losing my dad, the bed became my best friend. Moved in, permanently I thought/hoped. Laid in bed, for hours upon hours, hidden beneath mounds of covers, wondering if I would ever find a job, if I would ever stop feeling like the worst daughter in the history of mankind. You can forget about me standing. Wasn’t standing. Far from it. Spent too much time in bed, terrified, terrorizing myself for being human, I guess, and wondered if the nightmare would end.
Cue music. Job found. Sun came out. Warmth ensued. Okay, it was still freezing, but, the sun did come out. I remember sitting at my desk, the first night, starting at the screen and wondering ‘what the fresh hell!’. I had NO clue what I was doing. NO idea.
My boss must have seen my terror/anxt/fear and came up to me. She said words I shall NEVER forget. I think of them, to this very day. In fact, I use them, still. She said:
“There is NOTHING you can do that we can not fix.” She encouraged me to have confidence, to try. I tried. Eventually, I figured out what I was doing. Became fantastic at it, if I do say so myself.
All these years later, I am still fantastic. At least, I WAS fantastic. Until being moved to a completely new job and making entirely new and foreign mistakes.
I KNOW I will get things down, again. I just have to keep trying. I HAVE to forgive my mistakes. I am NOT my mistakes. Neither are you, yours.
This being the case, maybe I can finally move past not being there to lay dad to rest, huh?
You are right. I am NOT my mistakes. Also, not being able to go was not a mistake. It’s called a life happens. Life happened. I’m sorry, dad. If I were to keep it completely 100, I don’t think I was strong enough to go.
Back to my raging fever and really dumb work mistake. I figured out what I was doing(who knew!), took care of the issue, did NOT shut the company down from said ‘I have no idea’, clocked out and kept it moving.
Then, I did something completely okay. I let myself NOT be okay, about not feeling okay, not doing ‘okay today’, not being in my house on the ocean, today, not having someone to cool my fever, today.
For five blessed minutes, I ALLOWED myself to be okay with not being okay. Just let myself feel the weight of needs not yet met, dreams not yet fulfilled, life just, well being life. Felt those things, owned those things, then crawled wearily into bed and stood:
On God’s Word.
On God’s CHARACTER.
On God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for me.
There is absolutely NOTHING that will keep us from being:
By God. By Life. By others(as we allow). By ourselves(as we allow).
I am NOT my mistakes. You are NOT yours.
Keep going. You CAN. You WILL. As will I.
Cassandra FLYING DENTED