Letter to Mom: I have Cherry, because of you.

Dear mom,

This letter has been a long time, coming. God and Life, have been asking me to write to you. So, I can move forward. Without you, in life. WITH you, in spirit.

I could not, mom. I was broken. After your death, broken into a million pieces. Am gathering, those broken pieces, my broken heart, still, mom.

Because of the love, of a friend, who has stayed silent, and allowed me, to fight to bring my broken heart, my broken pieces, to God, The Father, for healing, I can write, now.

I’m writing from Cherry, mom. I grieve that I was never able to give you a ride in her. I will never forget your look of pride when I told you about her:

Brand new, 41 miles, Cherry Red.

Took me almost 50 years to get the new car I had always dreamed, long to have.

You told me a million times to go for it. I didn’t. I was always, afraid. Afraid, I could not keep up with the payments. Afraid, it would get repossessed. Afraid I would lose my job and lose the car.

I realize, now, mom. How much of my life I lived afraid, while you were here.

I was always afraid to disappoint you. I never felt as if I were enough for you. Rather, felt like I was the ‘too much’ folk always seemed to put on me:

Too, loud.

Too, passionate.

Too, bold.

Too, old.

Too, fat.

Too, ugly.

I never really felt those things, myself. You hear things, enough, you begin to believe them? I think.

I don’t think so. Yet, mom, if I had NOT believed, those things, deep down, would I have made other choices:

With, my broken pieces?

With, my broken heart?

With, me?

I have no idea. Thankfully, mom, Easter is here. I took my anger, THAT anger, THAT moment, my broken pieces, and my broken heart to Jesus, to The Cross, for resurrection. For healing.

It is finished!

Upon a hill.

Upon a Cross.

Jesus, bore the weight, of ALL of me. Because of Him, I am now set free.

Am writing, from Cherry. The very last time I heard your voice, was within Cherry’s bosom. Sat behind her now precious wheel, and talked to you of everything, of nothing.

Your last words to me were, among them, “I love you”. I cherish THAT moment, with you, mom, sitting in Cherry.

I am proud of her. I worked hard to earn her. Bought her, with MY OWN MONEY!

She is bought, purchased, with mine own hands.

As my life, was bought, purchased, by Jesus Precious Blood.

Fitting, Cherry is red.πŸš—β€

Thanks, mom. For:

Loving, me.

Believing, in me.

Thanks, mom. For sacrificing:

Your dreams, in order that I may win mine.

Your hopes, in order for my hopes, to come true.

Your freedom, in order for me to live a life of freedom.

Your health, in order to keep me healthy and safe.

Your financial freedom, in order for me to find financial freedom.

You could have been selfish and left us kids to fend for ourselves. You did not. You welcomed us home EVERY time we had the need.

I am me, mom, in part because of you.

You gave your last. You scraped enough to feed others. Even when there was not much to go around. You found the way, to make due.

You did the very best you could, mom. Did your best to love my broken pieces, to love me.

I write no words of regrets, mom. For, either of us. You loved me, best you could, with your broken pieces.

I did my best, to love you with my broken pieces.

I am so thankful you are:

Whole!

Healed!

Free!

Continue to rest in peace, mom. I WILL see you, again.

I love you, mom. Your life mattered to me. Your life matters to me, still, always.

I miss you.

Tell Jesus hey for me. Hug dad for me and tell him I miss him.πŸ˜₯

Love God’s Daughter and yours,

Cassandra/JAYBIRD

#YourLifeMattersToMe

#Jaybirdmatters

  • Keep showing up!
    Monday. Again! *sigh*. Time. Time to start over. Again. Time, to show up. Again. Time. Time, to choose the starting line. Again. Time. Time, to wonder: Will today be the day where we get to win, finally? Will today be the day where we lose, yet again? Will today be the day where we give … Continue reading Keep showing up!
  • Your efforts were NOT done in vain.
    Your efforts, your striving, your TRYing has NOT been in vain. Yes, it seems as though your efforts have come to naught. Yea, the struggle still feels like a struggle and humungous waste of time. Yea, the silence, the world, circumstances, situations all seem to be wondering why on earth you have not given up … Continue reading Your efforts were NOT done in vain.
  • Your TRY is needed.
    Your TRY is needed. Your TRY is crucial. Your TRY causes others to want to try. Your TRY causes Heaven to try harder, on your behalf. Your TRY is changing lives, is changing your own. Even, when you can’t see, the outcome. ESPECIALLY, when you can’t see it. See, God and Life don’t want you … Continue reading Your TRY is needed.
  • Real talk: stay PRESENT.
    “I have NO idea how I am going to make it to Friday!” That’s what I told my wombie, last night. ALL I saw was THREE MORE DAYS of existing, when I had barely scraped through Tuesday. Friday seemed so faaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr awwwwaaaayyyy!!! Just thinking about it had me despairing….hmm…… AHA!!!! Instead of staying, PRESENT, I … Continue reading Real talk: stay PRESENT.
  • Put your hands together for YOU!
    Put your hands together! For YOU! YOU keep stepping up! YOU keep showing out! No matter what. No matter how. No matter where. YOU ARE STILL HERE!! Put your hands together, for YOU. YOU are fighting, still. YOU are TRYing, still. YOU are living, still. YOU are striving, still. Put your hands together, for YOU. … Continue reading Put your hands together for YOU!
  • You are…
    …loved. Seen. Heard. Valued. Take time to cherish YOU, today. Life is short. Yea, it hurts, at time. Much too short, though, to waste too much of it on regrets, whatifs and omygoodnesses. If you have been going through a rough patch, take a deep breath, tilt your head back and say…..ha! I got this!! … Continue reading You are…
  • Broken pieces: You are NOT your pain.
    Broken pieces: You are NOT your pain. I have been trying to write this piece, since April. Today seems fitting, somehow. Had to scrape my way, out of bed. Forced myself, to STAY at work. Dammit! Sunday is Father’s Day. I BARELY made it, through Mother’s Day, in one piece. Still, I stood. This last … Continue reading Broken pieces: You are NOT your pain.
  • I am…
    …enough. You are… …enough. We are all… …enough. I am… …loved. You are… …loved. We are all… …loved. God loves… …me. God loves… …you. God loves… …us all. ‘Nuff said. 😎❀ Cassandra LOVED
  • When loss is not a loss.
    I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my brother. Could go on, but will stop with them. Have been fighting the good fight, being a good daughter, good sister, hard worker, supportive friend. Exhausting. I want to not have to be those people, to have to do those things. Took out the … Continue reading When loss is not a loss.
  • In this day.
    Good Morning. Yes, it IS good. You are here. STILL. You fought the night, to get to today, and won. The day, is yours, to use as you please. You only get one. Use it wisely. Laugh, in this day. Love, in this day. Spend some time with God, in this day. Chop it up … Continue reading In this day.
  • Believe!
    https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYwSKZ8D1oM&feature=share Believe. Believe! BELIEVE!! Believe, in yourself. Believe, in your future. Believe, love IS for you. Believe, your dreams ARE attainable and worth having. Believe, you will make it. Believe, you CAN. Believe, you WILL!! Believe, ALL things really do work together FOR YOUR GOOD. Believe, you are MORE than a conqueror, through HIM, who … Continue reading Believe!
  • Real talk: HIS Handwriting Part II
    I was writing, yes, using my own ugly handwriting, this morning. It is both easy, and hard, to do. Okay, not easy. Hard. Why? This is what I wrote: I was thinking about blogging about my handwriting. The more I ‘write’, the more I look at my “ugly” handwriting, the more I am forced to … Continue reading Real talk: HIS Handwriting Part II
  • Hope ALWAYS wins!
    How great is that!? Don’t EVER allow yourself to turn loose of your hope. Hang in there. Someone needed this message. Hang in there. You got this. Cassandra HOPEFUL STILL #YourLifeMattersToMe 😎
  • Celebrate you.
    https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=z6DhNR3eO0U&feature=share Look at you! Go on ‘head, with yo bad self!! Strut your stuff. πŸ’ƒ Take a bow. You livin’, beloved. You doin’ you. You handlin’ yo life bidnezz!! Yassssssss! Look at you! You have: Refused, to give up. Refused, to give in. You have: Loved: Hard: No matter the cost. No matter the why. … Continue reading Celebrate you.
  • Time to dance!!
    https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjfs3rSIpIQ&feature=share Time to dance, beloveds!πŸ”₯πŸ’ƒβ€ Ran the dishwasher. Turned on the lights. Loved somebody. Loved ourselves. Yasssss! We have shouted, into the void, and have won. Time to dance. Dancing with you, Cassandra LOVED 😎
  • Sometimes, you just have to turn on the lights and start the dishwasher.
    Egads! Yikes! May and June can be rough, at times. Time I dodge, get through, the Mother’s Day bullet, here comes, the Father’s Day bullet…*sigh*. During, these weeks, I suck it up butter cup, I pull myself up by the bootstraps, I keep on keeping on, and all the other blasted sayings one says to … Continue reading Sometimes, you just have to turn on the lights and start the dishwasher.
  • Rely on Your Help.
    https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=WJJcemwPMYM&feature=share One of THE most awesome things to hanging out with God is when life is super tough, and you don’t think you can make it not even one more step, He steps in and is right there, with us. That is, IF we remember to reach out, for help, for support, for love, when … Continue reading Rely on Your Help.
  • Stillborn dreams.
    I’m tired. Tired of shouting into the void. That’s what I told God and Life, yesterday. And, the day before that. And, the day before that. I shout into the void. I wait. I wait. I wait. I wait. The day, turns into the night… The void has mocked me. ALL day. The void says … Continue reading Stillborn dreams.
  • Turn your comfort food into a meal with The King.
    I admit it. I have been upset, ALL day. Missing mom. Exhausted from doing a new job I don’t know how to do. On top of all this, I have to live and not survive. Can’t hide behind distraction. Can’t keep my dammed feelings in a drawer where only God and Life can see. Am … Continue reading Turn your comfort food into a meal with The King.
  • Show your heart.
    Life can be hard. So much so can get easy to want to hide. From, Life. From, yourself. From, folks who love and care for you. Don’t: Hide. Do: Show your heart. Your heart is: Beautiful. Wonderous. Amazing. Needed! Your heart contains too much love and goodness to keep it locked away. Yea, there have … Continue reading Show your heart.
  • I miss you, mom.
    I miss you, mom. I’m trying, mom. Trying to be a big girl. Trying to do what’s right. Trying to live right. To do right. Trying to love folk as you did. You cared about folk. Gave them your last. Would give every dime I have just to see your face again. Think I will … Continue reading I miss you, mom.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s