It’s time, You say. Time to deal with things. To deal with me.
You say, I must.
I say, I can’t. I don’t know how. Not about THIS. I don’t even want to discuss THIS with You. I don’t want to acknowledge THIS.
You say, I must. It is well past time.
I want, to be defiant. I want, so desperately, to tell You I will NOT acknowledge THIS! If, I acknowledge THIS, I would, have to acknowledge her.
In, acknowledging her, I would have to, say her name. In, acknowledging her, I would, have to face me, to face her, to face THAT.
You told me, Father, how important acknowledging something is. How crucial it is, to say the words, to say the thing, out LOUD.
You have said, once something has been spoken, it must then be dealt with. Acknowledged. Once acknowledged, the thing, the person, the place MUST be dealt with. One way or the other. One can no longer hide from words, once spoken, into existence.
Words are living things. They take on a life, all their own. Life and death are literally held by the power of the tongue. By words.
It is why You admonish us to be careful of the words that we speak. Even words, spoken in secret, in a whisper, can wreak havoc. They DO wreak havoc.
Words, uttered in the heart, starts wars, ends wars, builds things, destroys things.
Words build up. Words tear down. Words start new life. Words ends new life. Instantly.
This is why You entreat us, not to speak, at times. This is also why you beseech us, to speak at other times.
You understand, we are speaking death or life: over ourselves, our circumstances, our families, our friends, our communities, our countries
This world, in which I sit, from which I write, was spoken, into existence merely from Your uttering the words: Let there be light. And, there WAS light.
You tell me, to let there be light, upon THIS. You say, that I must acknowledge, THAT.
You tell me, this is something I must do. Even You, can not, will not, go past Your Promise, Your Word, of free will.
You say, I must. You say, it is time.
Dad, I can’t. I can’t yet speak of THIS. I dare not acknowledge THAT. I can’t give THAT life, yet. Not yet. I am not ready.
Dad, I admit I can’t even stand today.
In not speaking of THIS, by not acknowledging THAT, Life has taken the choice of standing from me. In not choosing, I gave something/someone else, the right to choose for me.
Life, has come to my rescue, today. Life, has put me, on my knees, before You.
It is the only reason, I kneel, before You, now, today, completely broken.
I have only one question for You, for Life, today…
Dear God, what do I do, now that it’s time and I am just not ready?