Standing, today, is hard. I want to lay, in fetal position, and cry my eyes out. I’m missing mom, today. So much. I want to be angry, with her. I want to demand to know why she left. I want to be angry, with God. I want to demand to know why He let life take her. I want to be furious, with Life. ‘Dammit, why did you take my mom!’
I want to storm around, raging, acting a complete fool. I want to act like a child, want to toss things about. In frustration. In sadness. Nevertheless, I sit here, staring at another blank page, not knowing what to say. However, I stay, searching for words that hold little comfort, today.
Finding no comfort, in me, I stand here, on God’s Word, leaning heavily on His Character, and especially, on His Deep and Abiding Love for me. It helps. Oh, it helps. Yet, my heart misses mom so. Misses the sound of her voice, miss her deep, weird laugh. I miss the deep, compassionate look in her eyes. I miss mom, dammit.
Inside, I fall to the floor, in a fetal position, and rage away, toss things about, demanding to know from mom, from God, from Life why have me alone, during this stretch of my life. Nevertheless, inside I still have peace as God’s Word gives me hope that mom is doing well. Sadness, still remains. However, my heart rejoices knowing mom is pain free, in Heaven, laughing with God and kicking it with the angels. You go, mom!
I feel as though stuck, between a rock and a hard place: In choosing, to stand, in having given up my right to pride, fear, worry and doubt, the hurt hurts more. There is no finding earthly comfort in the pride of pretending all is well. There is no comfort in hiding with comfort food, or drinking, or distracting myself with this or that.
DISTRACTION!? Life is precious. I don’t have time to waste, not one day, not on second, on being distracted away from a day. We only get 24 hours in the day, if we are lucky. These hours are too precious to dismiss them, with distractions. Nevertheless, the hurt still hurts. However, I stand, shakily, fighting to remain in Life’s present moments, even the hurting ones. Especially the hurting moments…*sigh*.
When Life hurts, man, it is sooooooooooo very easy to want to run away. To hid from it. To quit. We don’t want to quit Life, just want Life to stop hurting us. We just want to stop hurting, dammit. Nevertheless, standing does not allow for hiding, therefore nowhere to run from the hurt. However, God’s grace is sufficient when life really hurts. Does it, though?
Years ago, I was injured at work. Someone had been goofing off and had run over my ankle and leg with some heavy equipment. Don’t even get me started on that yall….*angry pout*. In the emergency room, the doctor took one look at my swollen ankle and knee and said ‘Wow, they really messed you up, huh?’ Not great bedside manner, if you ask me.
I was given 10 oxycodon, wrapped up like a mummy, crammed into a Frankenstein-like walking boot, and told I would need physical therapy. The physical therapy was needed to help strengthen my ankle and teach me how to walk straight. The pain had me compensating. I found myself turning my ankle almost sideways in order to bear my weight. The doctor said I HAD to go to physical therapy or my ankle would not heal, properly, and that I would permanently damage my ankle if not having learned how to walk straight.
I HATED PHYSICAL THERAPY! It hurt! Getting there was a thrice weekly disaster/hell/ridiculous/nightmare of trying to cram a 400 pound walking boot, and myself, into my entirely too tiny for this thrice weekly disaster/hell/ridiculous trip to and from therapy.
Therapy? HA! The pain was so painful. Getting ready to go, was a nightmare. Howled, in pain, all the way through dressing, fighting with the boot, fighting with the car door, getting beat up by the damn brake pedals, dropping the damn keys and scrambling to find them among the gargantuan walking boot. Dammit! I would cry, angrily, all the way to therapy.
Arriving, to therapy, I had to reverse engineer getting into the car, so I could get out of the damn car that took half the damned morning getting into it. Dammit!! Snorting, pouting, hurting and trying to gingerly manuever my 400 pound crime scene out of the car, I emerged, triumphant out of the car. Meaning, I managed to scrape my howling self out of the car and into the office.
We won’t even discuss the session, itself. Suffice it to say, I wanted to slap My physical therapist. my therapist, I am sure, wanted to pop me. Together, we managed to stay alive long enough for them to torment me, cajole me, entreat me, fight with me, support me, whilst I learned to walk straight. Goodnight it was painful. It was awful.
This went on for weeks. There were many days when I wanted to just give up, wanted to quit. I was tired. From the pain. From the effort. From the endless routine of effort and pain. Rinse. Repeat. I wanted the pain to end. Did not care, one whit, how, just wanted the pain to stop.
One morning, I decided not to go. I called my physical therapist and told her I just couldn’t do it. Not today, anyway. The pain was just too much, today. The effort was simply too much, today. She let me rant a bit, let me even cry a bit. Then, she quietly told me to try to come, today. Just to try. If I didn’t go, today, it would make it that much easier to not try the next day, or the next day. I needed to try to come, today. ‘Come today’.
At the time, I thought she was so mean. How could she NOT see that I was hurting? Where was the compassion!? Where was the understanding!!? Didn’t she know I had already tried and could not do it, not today?! Her lack of compassion, seemingly, fueled my anger. Angrily, I stormed around, as much as one could storm around on a busted ankle, crammed myself into my 400 pound mortal enemy, slapped the car door around, fumed all the way to the office, lurched out of my 300 pound car, with my 400 pound mortal enemy and faced my tormentor.
Needless to say, I WAS able to complete the session. And, the next. And, the next. Eventually, I was better. I no longer had to go to physical therapy. I still have some weakness, in those hurt areas. The weather affects things. If I do too much, it affects things. But, if I take care of myself, my ankle and knee takes care of me.
I am thankful my physical therapist was tough on me and refused to allow me to give into the pain. She saw the big picture. She was looking at my forever. I had been looking at my present. Rather, I had been looking at my HURTING present. I hurt too much to be able to concentrate on the fact that my ankle and knee were healing.
By going to physical therapy, my ankle regained strength. I began to regain confidence in my ankle holding my weight. I even began to be proud of myself for withstanding all the pain and mastering the dreaded exercises. They were many. They were painful. Yet, those painful moments were teaching me to walk, straight ahead, not crooked and compensating.
God and Life does not want us making our way through life compensating and crooked. This is why both God and Life will sit there, silently, and ALLOW us to choose to stand, to grow, to fight, to live, to laugh, to love THROUGH the tough times, in the midst of the hard times, enduring the hurt. KNOWING that as we fight, live, love, grow, laugh and stand, we are making our own way straight.
God and Life seems so cruel, when they allow us to struggle our way to healing and growth. We find ourselves stuck between a rock and the hard place: do we move forward, and grow, or do we give in, to the pain? Do we give ourselves permission to rage, cry, and howl in pain, demanding to know where God is, why Life is being so mean? Why are yall being so mean!!? Why are you silent?! Why do I HAVE to go through these painful things alone?
Nevertheless, we MUST stand. However, we MUST grow.
God and Life are not being mean, when tough time happen, when loved ones leave us, when we lose this thing or that. I am so thankful when God offers me His Grace and not covering up my pain with distractions or offering me a cookie for my boo boos. The ONLY way I learned to truly stand was to STAND THERE AND TAKE IT. I learned to love, through it all. To fight, through it all. To believe in me, through it all. To believe in God, through it all. To believe in Life, through it all.
God’s silent support, and Life’s silent support, whilst we fight to stand, is His Pillow He gives to us, while we remain between a rock and the hard place. He wants us to LIVE this life, not simply survive it, hiding behind ‘distractions’.
Life challenges us with tough things. Nevertheless, God’s Word says: 2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Losses challenges us by snatching people, places or things. However, God’s Word says: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – 3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; 4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
the enemy challenges us by laughing and saying that God does not care, that He is NOT there, with us, in the fight. Nevertheless and However, God’s Word says: Isaiah 41:10 – Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
I look around, and find myself standing, again. My insides have also decided to stand. My heart has also decided to stand. Yes, I still miss my mom. Terribly so. Yes, I still am a bit lonely, from not having a posse, a family of my own. Nevertheless, His Grace is sufficient. However, His Love, Compassion, and Care covers me. Always.
Beloved, Life gets hard. Nevertheless, continue to STAND. On God’s Word, on God’s CHARACTER, on God’s Deep and Abiding Love, for YOU. Precious One, God’s silence seems distant, seems cruel. However, He IS there, for you, with you. He cheers you onward. He will help you, when you fall. Life is there for you, also, entreating you to keep on going.
Life may hurt, today. Nevertheless, stand. Life DOES hurt, today. However, keep on going, keep on loving, keep on reaching out. You can make it. You WILL make it. You are NOT alone. Your voice DOES matter. YOU matter.
For those who hurt, today, I pray these words may offer you a pillow, to support you as you remain between a rock and the hard place. Rest awhile, my sister, my brother. Take a moment to breathe. Then, arise. ARISE! We miss our loved ones. Nevertheless, they cheer us onward. We grieve lost opportunity, lost love, lost this or that. However, those losses lead to so very many priceless gains of wisdom, inside, laughter through adversity, moments of success and failures. ALL of these things truly will and do work for our good.
Life is short, beloved. Nevertheless: Isaiah 35:3-5 – Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. 4Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you. 5Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
I don’t have much else to offer except my love, shoulder, care and prayers. All that I have, I offer to you. I ask nothing, in return, other than your promise to keep standing, to keep trying, to keep going. Yes, I hope for some deep and abiding friendships, one day, from this blog post and many other places. Nevertheless, I am content, living life the best way I know how. I rejoice, KNOWING, that I am loved, that God AND Life, are both here for me, right here, with me, fighting for me, cheering me on, offering their Nevertheless and Howevers for ALL of life challenges and hard times.
You CAN do this. You WILL do this. Stand, beloved. STAND!
standing with you in love, laughter and hope,
His servant and yours…