It’s okay to not know.

2021 has started. We all clamored for 2020 to be over, for 2021 to get here.

It’s here, now. I sit and look at it with…..*shrug*……

I have NO idea what to do with 2021. I am not a drinker. Yet, I admit to spending the last few days, snuggled up to a bottle of Bacardi. A small, tasteful bottle.

I asked myself what I was doing, after my third glass. This is NOT helpful in being a grown up, in figuring out what comes next for me, for us all in 2021.

I couldn’t figure things out so went to the next thing. Binged watched ‘This is Us’ while wondering why ‘This is Us’ couldn’t be me, why I couldn’t be Beth….man, what an awesome show!!!

I prayed, for answers, and heard not a peep, from The Big Man Upstairs. I talked to my twin, who did her best to be supportive and let me know life was just….life. I wasn’t trying to hear THAT. I wanted to hear something……what in the fresh hell….

I don’t know what I wanted to hear. Just know/knew that I wanted to hear….something. Anything other than just keep on keeping on.

My accountability partner is forever annoying me and encouraging me to ‘push through’. To keep on going, no matter what. To keep on doing me, being me, and to wait PATIENTLY, for God to show up and to show out.

The silence is driving me cra cra. God has always told me to just keep following His last directions. His last direction was just to keep on being me, to keep on loving folks and to WAIT, patiently.

Crap. CRAP!! What in the fresh hell…..

The morale of the story? The morale of the story is we just HAVE to keep walking in faith. Faith WITHOUT allowing our feelings to be involved. My feelings have been all over the world, the past few days. Last year had some mostly awful days. Yet, last year I met some really great new friends, re connected with some fam, gave more of me than I have EVER given.

I have finally moved past the lost of my mom. Okay, big lie right there. I will never move past it. But, have been moving on, slowly. I don’t allow grief to muck up too much of my day. Yea, it snatches a few hours or two. Yes, I still find myself boohooing, in the middle of the night or the middle of the day. But, I cry from mostly joy, now, remembering happy moments, satisfying moments. Moments where mom and I argued over who was better: Lebron or Steph Curry. She always chooses Lebron. I defend Steph, loyally. Secretly, I love them both, equally.

I don’t know what will happen with the new friendships, I have made. Or, the re connected ones, I have rediscovered.

I don’t even know what will be with the close bonds made with my sis and my bro. Just know that I so look forward to chopping it up with my brother about things, big and small. Just know that I look forward to yakking it up, with my twin, in the middle of the night over….*shrug*…..half the time I don’t remember. Just know that I hang up the phone, with great satisfaction, looking forward to her next call or text.

She went off on me for telling her I was considering stopping my blog, from stopping reaching out so damned much. Yea, she went off, just a tad when I told her they are just words. Just MY words.

As if it’s okay to dismiss those words. Kinda ticked me off with myself.

We all need to STOP dismissing our words, ourselves, so easily. I think we make God sad when we do that. We are ALL special. Our words DO matter. They have weight. We can’t stop speaking. We just can NOT decide to stop caring.

I told sis, last night, I wished that I didn’t care so much. That’s not true. I am glad that I care. The world needs more folks to care. I just wish there were more hours in the day. Wish there was more me to spread around and to give.

God asks us to give. He asks us to give OURSELVES. It’s sooooooooooooo hard, though. To give, ourselves. What if folks won’t receive what we have to give? What if they won’t receive US?

Ah, that’s the kicker, isn’t it? Taking the chance to love, and then having that love either dismissed or ignored or…….good yikes any number of hurtful things, like that.

Yet, God keeps asking us to love others. To keep on trying. No matter what.

Why? Because there have been so many, who have been so hurt, by life, that they reject love, not because they don’t love and care for us. Not because they don’t want to receive, with open arms.

It’s just because keeping their dukes up, keeping their hearts locked away, is all they know now. They don’t reject us. They are just afraid. God just needs for us to just keep on loving folks. To keep on being THERE.

God just needs some folks to keep on being there, for folks who will take just a bit longer to come around. They will.

2021 is about healing. As a nation. As individuals. God needs those who are willing to just BE THERE. Just to be there. It will hurt. It won’t be easy. Yet, it will be worth it.

God loved me enough to be there for me, at my lowest. He loved me, just as I was. He helped me grow. He touched my life. He let me know that I would ALWAYS be loved. No matter what. No matter how long it took. He would be there.

Today, I know no more now, than I knew the day before yesterday. Today, though, I know that it’s okay, not to know.

I am here, world, loving you. I ain’t going nowhere. Even though your silence hurts. You WILL be okay. We all will. I have your back. Until, you can have mine.

Keep going. For those, who are hurting, it’s okay. God really does understand why you have had your guards up, your fists up, for so long. He will be there for you and I will keep on praying you through, until you are ready to let others in, to care for you.

For those who are doing their best to care, it’s okay. Keep on loving folks. They will come around. They will. It’s nothing personal, towards you. Those wounds/hurts have been there long before you arrived. Keep on doing you, being you, and caring.

For those who just don’t know. I hear you. I hear me. We just have to keep on pushing through. Have to keep trying. Have to keep doing what we do no matter what we see or don’t see. No matter if we don’t hear what we think we should from those we care about or fight for. Keep on caring. God and Life will have their way.

For YOU, who reads these words, make sure to fill YOUR bucket. It does no good to rush to the aid of the world, and have your own bucket be empty. Let someone know, when you have run out of gas. Let God know, when you have run out of gas. Let YOU know, when you have run out of gas. It’s okay to be empty. Not okay to be prideful and remain there.

2021 will be as glorious as we make it. Let’s make it a good one. Let’s love one another, starting with ourselves. It’s not on our friends or family or work or this or that to keep us filled and refreshed. We can only be that way as we tell our pride to kick rocks, and partner with God and Life to keep it moving, no matter what. Faith does not give one whit about what we know. Faith just demands that we believe.

Have faith in you. Have faith in your efforts. Have faith that God and Life WILL have the ultimate say. Have faith that your words are pulling down strongholds, filling empty love buckets, restoring what was broken, giving new life to hopeless dreams.

I REFUSE to allow doubt, fear, frustration or any other thing to build a wall between me and thee. Don’t you allow those things to build one around you. We got this, folks. We really do. So long as we do this, together.

We all we got, but we all we need. We are MORE than enough. We are. YOU are.

His servant and your stubborn friend,

Cassandra

3 thoughts on “It’s okay to not know.

  1. QUIT YOUR BLOG?!? Shut your mouth! No, no, HELL no! Your words mean so much to more people than you realize. Not writing is not acceptable. Enough said. Your words are like song lyrics. You never fail to encompass the thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams we all feel but do not have a gift to put them into words the way you do. Please don’t take our collective sunshine away! ❤️

    Like

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