“Ttnette, they said there is nothing else they can do”.
Ten words. All it took to have the bottom fall out of life.
They said there is nothing else they can do. With ten words, cam the realization I would never see mom again. Never…*sigh*. Never.
To be honest, I never thought that I would make it to the other side of NEVER. Thought I would slap a mask upon my face, work hard, keep my head down and live with NEVER silently kicking my ass. Never to breathe a word. Ever being the positive and joyful one with NEVER having silenced every bit of joy that I had.
Yet, God loved me enough not to allow me to hide within plain sight. He said that there are too many folk, out there, who don’t believe it’s possible to get to the other side of NEVER.
He kept pestering me, loving me, sending folk to pester me, into keep on trying to get to the other side of NEVER.
Kept telling me that love is on the other side of NEVER. That joy is on the other side of NEVER. He said my dreams were there waiting, on the other side of NEVER. He said that I could make it to the other side of NEVER. He said I would make it to the other side of NEVER. If I kept trying.
I didn’t believe Him. Not at first. NEVER was just too damned big.
Would never do this with mom. She would never say that to me. I angrily threw NEVER in God’s face. Every chance I got. Keep trying, He would whisper gently. Get out of bed, just for a little while. Turn on the lights, for just a little while. He wouldn’t stop pestering me until I angrily flung the covers aside and stomped my way back into some damned semblance of life.
Damn it, God, don’t you understand?! I will NEVER see her again!…*sigh*
Day after frustrating day, God would show up. Would knock in the door of my heart and tell me time to get up and do this again. Give the day a chance. Joy may meet you, today. A dream may show up, today. It didn’t. Not at first.
The only thing that always showed up was NEVER. All I could focus on was NEVER. All the things we could never do together. NEVER had stolen all of our moments. NEVER was just too big to be defeated.
Eventually, I learned to live with NEVER. No, I still couldn’t stand it but could begin to understand it. It wasn’t NEVER’s fault that I couldn’t see past it. NEVER never came calling for me. I had come in search of NEVER.
Hard, mirror facing truth here: I hid behind NEVER. I did. I wouldn’t have to get back into life without mom. Long as I had NEVER, I never had to really try. I could wallow, you see. Misery loves company and folk will let you wallow in your NEVER. Gives them comfort to wallow with theirs.
Yep, folks are doing brilliantly, these days, holding onto and refusing to get past NEVER. Never having love. Never having the job they have been too afraid to try for or dream of. Never having authentic friendships where both sides SEE one another. Never healing rifts with a parent or loved one. Yea, it’s easier to hide behind NEVER and never try to work it out.
Folk would rather hide and pretend. They tell themselves that NEVER is just too damned big. It’s just too hard. It’s much too late.
It’s not too late. Wasn’t for me. Not too late, for you. You CAN get to the other side of NEVER. Love really is on the other side. Joy is on the other side. Dreams are STILL on the other side.
The only requirement to getting to the other side of NEVER is to just get to getting. To the other side.
How do I know? Cuz I sit here, on the other side of NEVER. My mom is here, in the other side. Loving me in a different way. Teaching me how to love life and her in another way.
I still have some days, when NEVER wants to loom large. Yet, I look at NEVER another way now. I welcome NEVER now. I tell myself that I will NEVER let another day pass where I don’t let someone know that I care. I tell myself I will NEVER allow fear to keep me from trying new things, from meeting new people. I tell myself I will NEVER allow another wall/mask/cape keep me from living this life for as long and as hard as I can.
Yea, you CAN make it to the other side of your NEVER. It takes time. It takes courage. It takes a whole lotta God and tons of love. You can. You will. Keep going.
Every second of every moment of every day is hard for the month of December. Til Christmas morning greets me with the notion that it’s The Birthday of My Best Friend, Jesus, and the morning mom took her last breath. This year, I join them both on the other side on my NEVER.
til you make it on the other side I pray,