This has been a tough week. I admit it.
Life had been kicking my tail.
Work was being, well work.
Life was being, well life.
EVERY day was being harder, on me, than the day before. How THAT was possible was beyond me. Went through one hell day, thanked God that I had escaped the day’s madness, when the next day had the audacity to be worse than the one that had preceded it.
Yet, I had continued to tell myself to ‘suck it up, Buttercup’. Work and folk need you.
Suck it up, I did. Thursday night, was running on less than empty. Like the dummy I was being, I didn’t share that I was running on empty until it was much too late to do anything else than wonder how in the fresh hell I would make it through Friday.
Friday morning came, I donned my superwoman cape and proceeded to get hung up in a tree.
Took a whole hour to cry ‘uncle ‘. I thought of all the folk who needed me. All the bills who needed me. All the customers who needed me. Thought of all my financial goals who needed me.
Thought of all of those things knowing that I could try and give those things, the best of me. Not the rest of me.
Thought of how much good I could do the world. Then, thought of what giving the best of me, when I was in empty would do to ME. What good would it do to minister to the world and be left shipwrecked, myself?
I looked at me, knowing I mattered too, and chose ME. And, that was ok. It was needed, in fact.
Even, Jesus grew tired and needed some rest. Some fellowship. Even, Jesus needed to allow His Friends to watch His back.
So, I sucked up my courage and let a few friends know that I had truly been struggling.
So much so I contemplated not writing again. For two days I asked myself what possible difference does my blog make? Who cares if I care? If my blog disappeared what would be the difference?
I was going to go back and just working as hard as I can and being helpful as I can but keeping me to myself, know what I mean? I wasn’t going to go into actual hiding. Okay, I was going to go into hiding but the only one who would know would be me and God.
But, a friend loved me enough to tell me not to do that. To be ALL of me. Not 89%. I didn’t have 100%. She cared enough to choose me. She cared enough about me to ensure that I took care of me.
I chose me. Decided to face myself and acknowledge that I was tired. That I was not sure if my gifts were enough for life, for others.
I took the chance that I might be, that my gifts might be. I rested. I cried. Rested some more. Cried some more. Wondered if Cassandra was really enough? Cried harder that I even had to ask myself that question.
Yet, it was in the choosing of me, in the crying, in the wondering if my gifts would make room for me that I discovered something.
I rediscovered ME! I have worked hard all my life. Have given as much to this world as I could. Loved family and friends as much as I could. Gave work my all all my work life.
So, when I was just too worn out to work and give and do, felt like I had let God down. That I had let my job down. Had let friends down.
God was so sweet. He let me know that He chose ME. That He loves ME. Yes, He loves my efforts. Yes, He wants me to love others. Yes, He wants me to work hard.
Above ALL those things, God wanted me to know that I was a priority. Me. ME!
He let me know it was okay to choose me. So, I did. Spent a delicious afternoon loving on folk and ALLOWING folk to love me back. What an awesome thing. To know God chooses us. To know it’s okay to choose us.
Not only is it okay. But, it’s necessary, from time to time, to let life know I am more than what I do for you. I am more than what I give. I am even more than the gifts that God gave me to give to this world.
I am. And, THAT is enough. As am I.
I was so frustrated as God silently watched my struggles. He needed for ME to see me and to choose me and to know that I was enough. So thankful for God’s silence.
Sometimes, God will be silent in order for you to find your voice. So that you might choose you. So that you will TRUST that He truly does have your best interests at heart.
Sometimes, life will tap dance all over your face until you say ‘ENOUGH!’ I will NOT doubt the gifts that I have. I won’t dismiss the love that I have to share. I will be 100% me and will let the chips fall where they may.
I choose me, still. I choose to keep caring for folk. I choose to believe that everything truly WILL work for our good.
I don’t even ask for you to choose me. For the ones that do, fabulous. For the ones who ain’t feeling me, I ain’t mad. I shall continue to care.
Choose you. It’s okay to choose you when you are needing a fill up. If your heart is a bit empty and you are need of care, don’t be afraid to reach out. And, if afraid, reach out anyway.